A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I got married?"
Santa was recently hired at an office. His first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well his first day on the job, he grabbed a thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. Santa held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take his order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" Santa asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" Santa sighed in relief. "I'll have three regular and three black."
This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. About two hours," says the conductor. "OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?" The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why'd you think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas !"
A doctor warned an ageing telly star, "I think you ought to stop taking sleeping pills every night, they're habit-forming, you know." "Don't be silly," patient said. "I'v been taking them every night now for twenty years and they haven't become a habit yet."
When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.
Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life just isn't worth living anymore."
"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let your work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, what do you do for a living?"