Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph? Joseph: Because of a sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor, "What happened?"
Woman, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor, "I have a real good medicine against that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle"
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me."
Doctor, "You see, how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper.
Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully
Jill and Pam applied for a single position at a company, and both were given a written exam to determine their qualifications. When the exams were scored, it was found that both applicants missed only one question. The hiring manager told Jill, "Thank you, but I've decided to go with the other candidate." "What?" cried Jill. "You said we both got nine out of ten questions correct! It's because I'm a blonde, isn't it? This is discrimination! You people are going to have a lawsuit on your hands!" "Not at all," the manager said calmly. "I based my decision on the nature of each incorrect response." "And how can one wrong answer be any worse than another?," the indignant Jill demanded. "Simple," said the manager. "Pam answered question five with, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND