In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.
An alter boy is in church cleaning the pews when he sees a cripple struggle through the doors of the church and make his way to the font of holy water. The boy watches as the cripple manages to get up the step, sprinkles holy water on his legs and then throws his crutches away. The alter boy runs to get the priest and explains what he saw. "It's a miracle", exclaims the priest, "where is he now?" "Flat on his ass by the holy water", says the boy.
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Awe, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish !" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."
A student visited his old school, 20 years after his graduation, and met an old Science professor of his. The professor happened to be grading exam papers, and the student was surprise to notice that the questions were exactly the same as they were two decades ago. He asked the professor about the possibility of the leakage of the exam paper such that the students would have known the questions in advance. The professor smiled wryly and answered, "Don't worry about that, my dear boy. I've changed the answers every year."
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.