A blonde got a job at a local bar. On her first day she was late to work. Whe she arrives at work the bartender asks her as she walks in the door.
"How come you're late?"
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down the street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her doctor.
Doctor, "What is your dream about?"
Blonde, "I am being chased by a vampire..."
Doctor, "So, where are you in this dream?"
Blonde, "I am running in a hallway."
Doctor, "Then what happens?"
Blonde, "Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge!"
Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.
"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?"
"They're not cheap either."
"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"
"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Richards as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Martin." "Martin? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand." "That he did," Richards said. "A shovel it was." "Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?" "Aye, that I did-- Mrs. Martin's tit." Richards said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says, "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"